


it's hurting me deep inside (really)

by rosevestross



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Dan Howell - Freeform, Depression, F/M, Happy Ending, IM SORRY I DIDNT EDIT THIS!!!, Phil Lester - Freeform, also this is kinda shit i wrote this when i was really depressed hehe, dans mum is a sweetheart and i love her, dw it's not too sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-10-18 16:47:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20642417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosevestross/pseuds/rosevestross
Summary: there are days on which dan feels like he's fading.and there are days where he's afraid everyone else will fade with him.--phil wants to help. he wants to help so goddamn bad.--





	it's hurting me deep inside (really)

**Author's Note:**

> dont yell at me bc this is shit and i know it smh  
\-- suicide mention: very very minor and fleeting but be careful ily

** _there are days on which dan feels like he's fading. _ **

** _and there are days where he's afraid everyone else will fade with him. _ **

\--

_ he's sleeping right now, i can tell him that you called... _

dan pulled his duvet over his ears in an effort to block out the noise coming from the living room. 

_ well- er, his phone has been acting up. i'll make sure he calls back from my cell. no-yeah, of course. i'll let him know _ . 

he couldn't be arsed- not even for a second- to wonder who phil was speaking to. dan turned over and fell back asleep. 

\--

"hey dan- wake up." 

dan cracks his eyes open and winces at the bright sun shining directly at him. fucking mocking him. he can feel the cavity near his feet that indicates where phil must be sat.

instead of responding, dan tosses onto his stomach and buries his face into his pillow. 

"hey. bub, you need to eat something. it's almost four."

turning his face to the side in order to be heard, dan snaps, "i don't bloody care what time it is." he hears phil sigh sharply, and regrets his words immediately. 

"no need to get cross, im trying to make sure you don't die." 

part of dan wants to say,  _ can you please just fucking let me? _ but another part wants to not get in a fight with phil. not today. he couldn't handle it. 

"didn't mean to." 

silence. 

"'m sorry." dan tries again. he really doesn't sound like he means it but he desperately wants to.

"would you look at me?" phil asks, careful with his tone. he's gentle, he's patient, and he's reminding himself that dan is going through a thing right now. what exactly this  _ thing _ is, phil has a hard time deciphering. he still has a hard time figuring out how his loving partner of so many years can sometimes hurt so bad that he radiates the hurt to those around him. 

but just by looking at dan; curls knotted, skin opaque, lips broken and bleeding, he'll be damned if he doesn't figure it out eventually. 

"bub, please. look at me. you need to tell me what's up," and when dan doesn't move or show any response at all, he says again, "please." because that's all he really has left. he can't force dan to do shit. he just wants to help. 

and somehow that last broken  _ please _ does something to dan. he sits bolt upright and looks straight at phil. 

for a second, phil wants to cry from relief. on days like this, the hardest part is getting dan to be responsive, or aware of the reality surrounding him. 

but now dan is looking at him, and when he looks back he doesn't want to cry anymore. he wants to scream. dan's eyes are blank, they're void of the unique emotions and characteristics that phil has come to associate with dan, and he just doesn't fucking know what to say now. 

phil swallows tightly. maybe he'll do it hard enough to squeeze whatever shitty emotion he's feeling out of his brain. "would you, ah- would you like me to get you some water?" 

dan blinks. "not really." they both know it's a lie. still, phil is polite enough to pretend and simply says "alright, then."

dan is still looking blankly upon phil. he shifts uncomfortably and tries to think of something neutral to say. 

"watched the news this morning. there's supposed to be a comet sighing soon. that's exciting, eh?" 

"yeah, i s'pose." 

"dan."

"what?" 

"your mum called me. she said she's been trying to reach you but i know you haven't been checking-"

"no." dan interrupts. again with that goddamn blank stare.

when phil looks at him evidently confused, he clarifies. "no, i  _ have _ been checking." he lays back down, as if he's attempting to end the conversation.

"oh." phil tries to understand. "she's tried you so many times, i didn't think that-" 

this time he's interrupted with a funny-sounding wheeze. it takes him a second to realize that wheeze is coming from dan. it takes him another second to realize that it's not a wheeze, but a sob. 

_ shit. _

not even thinking about his movements, phil crawls up from the foot of the bed, all the way until he's lying parallel to dan. 

"dan, oh god, baby, what happened?" phil has wrapped his arms around dan now, and he's hyper-aware of the way that dan is shaking, the way that dan jolts with each horrible sob that he can't seem to stop. 

"i can't fucking-" dan hiccups loudly and starts to cry again. phil says nothing, does nothing except hold dan close, rub his back soothingly and wait for dan to compose himself. 

he doesn't try to stop him from crying. briefly, he considers it but phil decides this rush of emotion might be exactly what dan needs in order to talk about what's on his mind. 

two minutes later, dan stills and his noises quieten. phil loosens his grip of dan's abdomen, and sits up against the headboard, hoping dan will do the same. 

and he does. dan's eyes are wet, and his face is red and blotchy- a surprisingly stark contrast to the paleness of his skin not even a couple of minutes before. 

"i felt like," dan starts weakly before phil can open his mouth, "i felt like i was fading. i felt like i was dying, or i was just so stoic that life wasn't an option anymore."

phil tenses up. "wait. you-" 

"i'm not going to kill myself. i didn't really want to. but, you know." dan's voice is rough, it breaks on every other word and sounds as if he has a cold. 

"i know... what?" 

"dunno how to explain it. i wasn't gonna do it, though. i just-" he clears his throat of phlegm, "was feeling disconnected. i was in pain. and a part of me was like, you're going to inflict this on phil. you're going to spread this to your family."

"but, dan..." 

"i  _ know _ it's ridiculous, you don't have to tell me. that's just the way it was, though. i couldn't bring myself to talk to my fucking mum. she had to call you just to make sure i was breathing. and you- fuck." dan was starting to tear up again. maybe. just a little bit. "you fucking covered for me. and i was so horrible to you." 

"you weren't horrible. you were a little short and that was hardly your fault." phil reassures him. dan doesn't look convinced. 

"i didn't want to talk to you... i was so afraid that you'd become like me, and i couldn't fucking have that happen because you've been nothing but amazing and i wouldn't wish this upon anyone. this is so fucking stupid." dan finishes. 

phil is momentarily stunned by the honesty dan has just provided. it takes him a few seconds to remember to say something. 

"dan. there's nothing you can do to make me leave you alone. i'm always gonna be talking to you, whether you like it or not." he pauses to smile and make sure that dan is smiling too (he is, but only a little). "you aren't contagious. you aren't fading. and you're definitely not horrible." 

dan almost grins fully now. "guess i  _ do _ have some things going for me." 

phil doesn't find it as funny, now. "you have so many great traits that i love exploring. hopefully someday you'll see them as clearly as i do." 

"oh." 

"too much? do you want me to go?" 

"no! i just, you know, i'm learning how to believe that." 

he can't deny that it hurts a little bit, for dan not to trust his words but phil reminds himself that this isn't reflective of their relationship as a whole. they're best friends. 

and they're literal soulmates. 

after a few seconds of thoughtful silence, dan asks, "can i call my mum?"

"you don't have to ask my permission, dan."

_ oh, phil _ ...

"i meant, like, can i have some privacy to talk to her?"

phil looks a little hurt, but he stands up to leave so quickly that dan feels bad about kicking him out. 

"sorry, phil. i love you a lot." 

it's such a small thing but phil's heart swells with joy. he misses dan a lot.

"love you too. im gonna go order some takeaway." and with that, phil leaves the bedroom.

\--

it takes dan ten minutes to locate his phone, and another ten minutes for it to get a little charged. 

he breathes in intervals as the dial tone disturbs his comfortable silence.

"hello?"

dan chokes on his breath now. "'lo mum"

"very northern of you," karen chuckles. "someone's had an effect on you, huh?"

"i s'pose." dan can hear his mum sigh quietly at his useless response. 

"heard your phone was acting up. did you get a new one?"

"er, no. my friend fixed it for me. listen mum-"

"im listening!" 

"sorry, i saw how many times you called. i didn't mean to blow you off." 

"your phone was broken. that's hardly your responsibility." 

"right." 

"you sound sick, dear. are you feeling unwell? i don't even want to hear about the amount of pizza you've had." 

"actually, i've been in bed for a while." 

"oh." the realization in her voice is apparent. dan wants to hang up so fucking bad. a second of quiet passes. "are you... okay?"

he's so far from okay in that moment, but for the sake of his mother he says, "i've been getting better lately."

"lovely," she sounds unconvinced, even though it's clear she's trying to sound the opposite. "how's phil doing?"

fuck. how  _ is _ phil doing?

"he's okay. he's been doing a lot. very busy." 

"he's taking care of my son, is he?" dan smiles despite himself. 

"yes mum. he's doing a great job."

\--

**Author's Note:**

> what a wild ride
> 
> constructive criticism is appreciated, let me know what you thought!  
thank you for reading i love u xx


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